let's try this again.

one step at a time.

don't eat tomorrow.

that's all i'm asking of myself.

eating anymore makes me miserable.

i can't get on the scale.

can't even go near one.

maybe in a month, if i am good.

why is this so goddamn difficult.

food is now my obsession.

i find myself at home binging and purging instead of going out.

this needs to end now.

for the love of god, please give me the strength to stop failing myself.

i just can't take it anymore.

almost 7 and still strong.  the pains are pretty bad though...i guess ill just have to try and ignore them. 

my heart was beating kinda strangely while i was running earlier and it was freaking me out but i finished my 8 miles.  i should have done ten but i had absolutely no energy.  im so determined to make it until wednesday morning.  its so hard though...you have no idea how much i want to just go upstairs and eat but i cant...i wont let myself.  ive gotten past that point of being lenient because one little bite here and one little bite there leads to F A T.   i cant afford it now.  i cant decide if i should go out tonight and hang out with some people or stay in and study.  if i stay in i might be tempted to eat but i really need to study for my anthro test monday.  haha im determined to get an A on that too...im becoming way too much of a perfectionist...i went ballistic when i got a 39/40 on my spanish test.  oh well.  its all about control control control...

more later if im feeling weak...    

well so far so good!  im 30hrs into the fast and staying strong.  i just got back from working at the ice rink and normally id come home and eat a buncha shit before going running but today im not going to.  you dont know how bad i want to though.  it is so incredibly hard to resist.  i just keep thinking of how i want to be skinny again, how i hate the feeling of people looking at me and seeing fat.  i dont even want to have anything to drink because then it will lead to eating something.  i keep thinking oh it wont hurt to have just a little bit of celery...but i cant trust myself to stop there.  i just keep thinking that id have to start all over again with the fasting.  ive already made it 30hours, why blow it now?  i just have to stick it out until 6am wednesday morning.  that morning ill treat myself with a coffee.  plain with skim milk, but coffee none the less.  i havent had time to start making my thinspiration journal but i did print out some inspiring quotes and a few pictures.  now i just need to cut them all out and tape them in the book.  if my mom goes out this afternoon ill have time to set it all out on the kitchen table and make it nice and pretty.  but most likely ill spend a good part of this afternoon running.  im going to shoot for atleast 8-10 miles.  thats usually my minimum.  back when i was skinny id run atleast 14 miles a day.  can anyone say overexercise?  but whatever it takes...  after my run today i think ill treat myself to a small nap before going out tonight if im too exhausted to study or work on my new journal. 

alright time to walk the dog and motivate myself to get moving.  more later if im feeling weak!

alright so im in the computer lab instead of the caf because i know im not strong enough to be in there and not eat anything.  id end up getting a french vanilla and several lollipops and ruin my fast before its even underway.  i spent all of accounting, or atleast a good amount of it writting up todays goals, my short term goals, and my long term goals.  i also wrote out a list of foods that i can eat and foods that i can not...based on the food that is in my house.  the foods i can not eat are foods that i would sneak and binge and what brought me to this horrible state. 

im going to create a real journal in this blue notebook my mom gave me for school and have it be kinda like this.  ill put in inspiring quotes, pictures, and log all the foods i eat and my progress.  thats what im doing in the lab right now...printing out some pictures and quotes to tape into my journal and get it started off right.  i wont start the weight charts until wednesday morning but i will record my gum/drink intake until then.  im excited to get started with this but i know the road im in for...ive taken it before.  but im ready.  i cant live like this anymore...fat, ugly, DISGUSTING.  i just cant take it anymore so i must do something about it.  i missed having a goal, having a purpose and this gives me one.  i can not wait to see the results.  i must be strong.